I, being only human, fall into the pattern of many before me, of looking back over the previous twelve months as the stroke of midnight creeps ever closer. 2008 is drawing to a close.
As I think back over the past year, I’m torn wondering how to feel about it. Amazing things happened this year. Some things I never thought would happen.
A man became president that has made me feel, for the first time in my adult life, proud to be an American. The fact that this man also happened to be black was never really a huge factor in my mind, but I was aware of all the wonderful implications for people in which it was. The sheer relief of knowing a very intelligent, well-spoken, well versed and competent person would be in office again was overwhelming. Tears streamed down my face as my mother told me over the phone that night on November 4ththat it had been called, it was over, and that our hopes had not been crushed as they had been the past 8 years. But that it could be a man of such caliber, such eloquence, such inspiration, and could also be shattering barriers along with it, seemed more than we could have ever asked. I was home alone that night, but not alone, as I celebrated ecstaticallywith my mother over the phone, friends over Facebook, the people dancing and screaming and singing in the street. For once in my life, I felt I might know how people had felt about JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Roosevelt. I was proud to be from a country I had come to loathe, and that was surprising, and more welcome than I thought it would or could be.
Another event that made my heart swell that night, was seeing my home state of Indiana turn blue for the first time in over 40 years. I never thought I would see that happen, and it made me happier beyond words to know that such discontent had not been limited to just me and the other “hippie liberals” from Bloomington. I’m still horribly saddened by the turn our country has made over the past eight years, and I start to make myself crazy thinking about how different things could be had we had a competent leader during that time. But if it meant we could have such an inspiring leader now, and bring so many sides together, perhaps some of it may be worth it. Perhaps not. Only time will tell.
Another positive event this year, and one that certainly caught me off guard, was going through the process and ultimately going back to school. It was during the drive home from the UCLA interior design open house that I realized I had let myself spiral down to a point where I no longer recognized myself, and did not like any part of what I had become. I decided that night I WAS going back to school. I needed to take charge of my life, because no one could do it for me. It was a difficult process on many fronts, but I knew if I didn’t do it, I was in danger of losing myself completely and desperately needed a goal, something to make me focused and try and make a better future for myself.
What I was unprepared for was how much I would like it, and that I would do so well. My first college experience was at best tedious, and at worst, absolutely excruciating, and left me feeling completely empty. All those years, all that money that it took to get a degree, and it wasn’t even what I had wanted; turned into wasted time. I’ve never been able to forgive myself for that. So I was prepared for more of the same. But it never came. I questioned my abilities a bit in the beginning, panicking when I saw previous students end of term projects. But one by one, I received grades that I had rarely received years earlier. 100%. The papers I had to write came more and more easily, and were consistently granting me all points possible. I actually enjoyed learning the material in my computer class. And when I looked at my finished projects(I’ll say it again…FINISHED PROJECTS, a feat that I struggled with constantly in my previous attempts at interior design) , a little voice in my head would quietly say “this is good”. Over the quarter, that voice grew bigger, louder. I started to believe it. Something I hadn’t done in any part of my life in years. I felt smart again. Accomplished. Like I still had a chance, especially since I was one of the youngest people in either class, pushing 30. I had hope again.
Unfortunately 2008 also brought unpleasantness. Election night was also filled with bitter disappointment and anger as I realized and was caught very off guard by the fact that Proposition 8, here in California, was going to pass. Seeing people, under the flimsy and transparent guise of upholding their “loving and forgiving” religion took it upon themselves to tell an entire population of people that they don’t matter, that they do not have equal rights in this state (and country) because of their perceived “choice” of lifestyle. It is difficult for me to put into coherent words how much this absolutely infuriated and disgusted me. Two people who love each other and want to spend their lives together scares them? Why? Why do they feel threatened by this? What does it have to do with them AT ALL? And don’t come at me with this “sanctity of marriage”, “one man and one woman” and “marriage is for children” bullshit. There are drive through wedding chapels, quickie divorces, and couples like my husband and I who have no urge for children. “But that’s what the bible says!” they yell. It also says I am property of my husband, that I can be stoned to death without trial, that I can be sold into slavery, among many, many other things that are abhorrent to us now. And really, it all boils down to one simple fact, that has been woefully lacking over the past 8 years: separation of church and state. Fine, go spout your hateful opinions in your loving and forgiving church on Sundays, but leave it the hell out of MY constitutions.
Personally, I struggled with myself most of all this year. Granted this is not much different that many other years, but 2008 was more difficult than recent years. The severe depression that settled over me after my favorite cat Nona died in June 2007 refused to let up. And it therefore seeped into every other part of my life. Almost all of my relationships suffered, and some almost came to an end. Perhaps it was poor timing, but in a desperate attempt at change, and to see if it would awaken parts of me that have been long sleeping, I went of my anti-depressant medication, of which I had been on for over 8 years. It was a very difficult experience, as my body struggled to adjust to the missing chemicals, and try and right itself.
Late spring and early summer were especially bad, worse than my depression had been in a long time, but I was determined to stick it out. When it got so bad I realized I was contemplating things that weren’t rational day after day for a few weeks, I started taking half a pill once a week. That made the difference, and I only had to do that for 6 weeks or so, until one day I was out of the cloud. It still follows me, as it probably will my whole life, but there was scattered sun, and it felt freeing. I’m still medication free for the moment, and feel OK. I can tell I am able to laugh more fully, enjoy things more completely, and smile more easily than I have in years. I also get upset more easily, but it’s seems to be controllable. I know I very well will probably be on medication again at some point in my life, but for now I’m enjoying it. The buffer over all my emotions is gone and it feels good.
I also struggled to keep up with my goals. I created this 101 list early in the year, and was doing fairly well after a slow start. But I severely underestimated how much school would zap my time, energy and drive to do much other than what was necessary. My blog entries plummeted because the thought of writing anything beyond papers was exhausting. I would open a page to write even a short entry, and would click it closed after staring at the blinking cursor for a few minutes.
I don’t think I’ve crossed one thing off my list in months. Some of them will now be impossible to achieve because I all but forgot about it. But, I tell myself revisions will need to be made since I wrote it before I thought about school, and it just changes things, pure and simple. I can’t do everything, and I’m getting a (tiny) bit better about acknowledging that, or at least not collapsing into a heap and not doing anything when I realize my plans aren’t panning out. I will never be described as easy-going, but I am trying to be more adjustable.
One thing that has followed me throughout the year was the impending dread of turning 30 that promptly arrived on my birthday. I, in typical Kat fashion, have used it as an excuse to beat myself up for everything I have managed to NOT accomplish in my life, and to play over and over again the many places I perceive I went wrong over the last 10 – 12 years especially. I was not where I had pictured myself being at this point in time. Later on in the year, I realized it was an opportunity to try and make sure I was in a better place at 30 than I had been in years. I started working out more consistently, started eating better. I went back on medicine to help my skin clear up, focused on dressing a bit better, with better hair and makeup. Went back to school. Tried to keep up better with friendships, and develop new ones. Felt better about my job once I realized they would reimburse most of my tuition. No, I’m not where I had pictured myself at 30, even now, but I’m more on my way to that place than I probably have been since late undergrad, and am almost (almost) looking forward to my birthday come late January.
Overall, I am very melancholy tonight. New Years has never been a favorite holiday of mine. I tend to dwell sadly and disappointedly on the past, and have difficultly looking towards the future with little more than dread. So a holiday devoted to past and future is not the most comfortable night of the year. None the less, I am trying to focus on the good. I have made new friends, reestablished old relationships, understood more completely the importance of ones I already had, attempted to set myself forth on a path of my own choosing, rather than sitting idly by and complaining bitterly about my circumstances. I have seen glimmers of hope this year. I hope to hold on to them as long as I can muster.
Happy New Year.
