Reality Smack January 16, 2009

I just glanced at the calendar, and realized I will be 30 in under a week.

 

*panic attack ensues*

Child Free Hilarity January 16, 2009

On the knitting and crochet website Ravelry.com that I am a part of, they have a weekly newsletter which also contains an advice column entitled “Ask Auntie BubboPants”.  This is another member of the site, that answers serious and not so serious questions put to her by her fellow fiber loving goers, and very often leaves me in a fit of giggles.  

 

The following was one of this weeks entries, and it had my non-child wanting self almost in tears from laughter.  I know that most of the population does NOT feel this way about children, which is good, because we’d all die out in 80 or so years.  But I hope you can at least appreciate the ridiculousness and humor of her answer.

 

“Dear Auntie BubboPants,

Please tell my uterus it really doesn’t want babies as much as it thinks it does. I am still in college and unmarried (though in a long-term relationship). Obviously some of this longing comes with certain times of the month, but lately seeing pregnant women makes me pout. My brain does not want a baby. I’m not ready and could not handle it at all at this point in my life. But somehow my biological clock decided to start ticking about five or more years before most people’s.

So please, tell my uterus to knock it off. It only has to wait a few more years! And surely by then my friends will have started having babies to appease the squishing and cuddling without the hassle of keeping a baby of one’s own.

Signed,
Must. Have. Babies.

Dear MHB,

You know what’s awesome? sweet little brand new babies! they are so warm and they smell so good! You could get high just smelling a new baby…well, actually science has discovered that mom-brains release endorphins whenever they smell their babies. Makes the babies addictive to the mother, helps keep babies safe and comfortable and well fed you know.

yeah, new babies with their little bellies and their snorgley feet and ALL THAT DAMNED SCREAMING!!! ALL THE TIME!!!

Oh yes, all the time! Screaming and wanting to be fed and not giving a good god damn that you have a final in the morning or that you have the evilest professor on the planet! NO! Babies are all GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!!! RIGHT NOW!! and you give and give and they take and take! and things get a little better when they hit preschool and elementary school!

But oh! That lasts for only a few seconds! Then it’s GIMME THE CAR KEYS AND GIMME MY ALLOWANCE AND GIMME PERMISSION TO DATE ZEBON THE SPITTLE MONKEY FROM THE WORKHOUSE!!!

And lets not forget braces, their innate ability to scream profanities in the produce section the second your back is turned, broken arms, poop in the bathtub, peas in the nose, forgotten permission slips, missed buses, a serious dislike for your cooking, chewing holes in their brand new shirt that grandma got them, farting, hamsters in the goldfish bowl, beating up the ugly kid, stealing cars, slumber parties, dishcloths down the toilet, begging for a pool or dog or hippo or better shoes or sugar cereal!

And then they turn 18 and you think it’s all good! But no! It’s laundry and tuition and poor decision making skills and “i know I’m in college but I want to have a baby!” and terrible marriages and in the end do you know what you get? You get to spend your retirement in a basement staring at a water heater and fighting the centipedes because they are too busy to take care of you!!!

OH! AND HAVING TO WATCH DRAGON TALES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU ARE SURE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO THE DRAGON LAND AND KICK EVERY WEENUS DRAGON IN THEIR SOFT INEFFECTUAL DRAGON GUT UNTIL MAGICAL DRAGON LAND GOES DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE UNIVERSAL SINGULARITY FOR PAIN!!!

So yeah, go ahead and have a baby. Or you could just pound a crab up your nose for 18 years, it’s about the same feeling.”

Little Miss Irritated January 15, 2009

Things that have been rubbing on my nerves lately:

• When you come to a four way stop, or are at a crosswalk, and you have the right away, and the other person waves you on like they’re doing you a favor.  I have the right of way!  The car in front of you just drove off!  There’s a little white man in a box telling me I can go! Thank you SO MUCH for giving me your personal condesenction to continue on my way, as you almost hit me in the process!
• When I’m driving down the city street towards home, and people in parked cars fling open their doors without even looking, causing me to go swerving crazily into the other lane, barely missing ripping off their car door/lower legs from their bodies.  Is it really that hard to use your mirrors and wait until I’ve passed?!?
• Why do so many people in y office have the incessant need to knock on the metal cabinet near the bathroom every time they pass by?  There are quite a few of us that sit nearby and have to hear it. Every. Single. Time.  What compels people to do this?
• When there is a lunch meeting at work, it never fails that at least one or two people will flat out refuse to throw away their plate or soda can, and just leave them sitting on the table  for me to clean up.  Really? REALLY?  34 other people can clean up after themselves, but YOU can’t be bothered?
• That even though I have sent numerous emails, stalked her office, and even gotten two verbal confirmations from her face to face, my boss seems completely unwilling to sit down with me for five minutes to discuss some things on which I really need clarification.  I’ve been trying for a week, and every email is totally ignored, and she is always either talking with someone already, or not in her office.  It wouldn’t be too bad, I suppose, if I hadn’t had this problem multiple times before. Way to make me feel like a valued member of the team!
• My littlest cat have no idea how to vomit properly.  I have never witnessed her get sick ever, but when I heard heaving yesterday, I looked over and it was her. She apparently had no idea what was going on and was freaking out.  As she heaved and little dribbles came out, she spun in circles backward, which meant those dribbles went with her, onto the carpet.  When the final big heave did happen, it actually scared her so badly that she leapt to run away from, um, herself, I guess, and therefore left a large streak across the carpet that would have otherwise been a decently small circle of cat yuck for me to clean.

Thus ends my rant.  I apologize.

Just Because You Have Money January 11, 2009

Does NOT mean you have taste.

 

I have been helping some guy friends decorate and furnish their home they are trying to sell in hopes of making it look a bit more enticing to buyers.  They mostly had an amalgamation of college apartment type pieces, so we have been searching the internet for deals on some furniture that IKEA could not cover for us.

 

In the process of these searches, I have happened upon some of the most hideous items I may have seen in my life.  And they all were created by Versace, and cost as much as a decent car.

 

Case in point…

 

These items were listed with this description:

 

“Gorgeous original Italian Gianni Versace 3 piece Couch set with coffee table. This 3 piece couch set and table was bought at the Versace store in Beverly Hills in 1994. The cost was over $25k just for the couches…”

As Kyle, myself, and my friend noticed, if they spent $25,000 on these monstrosities, I wonder how much they sprang for that classy Foosball table in the background.

 

This one is not quite as offensive to eyes, I suppose (and that isn’t saying much), but I think you may be able to see it as a shining orb from space:

This is $4000, and only includes the bedding.  And seriously, you really do HAVE to get the matching rug.

 

With this example, I haven’t really decided what the biggest atrocity to design  has been committed.  There are just too many from which to choose:

 

I think my vote may have to be the mix of egregious safari references, mixed with the random ancient Grecian key design.  They have no correlation to each other, and make little explosions of incomprehension happen in my brain. 

If you wanted a safari theme this badly, couldn’t you do everyone a favor and just buy a few animal print pillows and call it a day?  If the answer is no, then this set could be yours for the bargain price of $6000, or best offer.  I think the best offer I could make is for them to pay me to take it somewhere and burn it in effigy.

 

And lastly, and also sadly, the last entry does not have accompanying pictures. But oh how I wish it did, with a description like this:

“24 K GOLD VERSACE DINING ROOM SET. EVERYONE WILL BE IN AWE OF YOU OWNING THIS MASTERPIECE. LIKE VAN GOUGH. WAYNE NEWTON HAS THIS EXACT SAME SET THAT IS VALUED AT : $ 2.0 MILLION DOLLARS. ** Seen on TV- Celebrities Most Expensive Estates/Pads- Hosted by : Kimora Lee Simmons ** TABLE IS 24 K GOLD AND CHERRY WOOD. COMES WITH 6 CHAIRS. I’M GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. BEST OFFER CALL”

It has been listed every day for the last 8 days, but never with pictures.  God, how I want to see this set.  If you’re touting it’s also owned by Wayne Newton, I can only imagine the horror.

In Review January 3, 2009

1. Where did you begin 2008?Kyle’s friend’s house in Brazil, IN. Just happened to look at the clock right at midnight, because we were a bit inebriated and not really paying attention.

2. What was your status by Valentines Day?
Same.

3. Were you in school anytime this year?
Yup.  Started up again after 5+ years off.

4. Did you have to go to the hospital?
Not for myself, for once, but had to go to the ER with my dad.  Scary.

5. Did you have any encounters with the police?
One that involved darts and alcohol.

6. Where did you go on vacation?
Colorado and Indiana

7. What did you purchase that was over $100?
Plane tickets and class tuition, and Adobe Creative Suite 3 software.

8. Did you know anybody who got married?
Yup

9. Did you know anybody who passed away?
Luckily, not this year.

10. Did you move anywhere?
No, for once!

11. What sporting events did you attend?
I can’t remember if that last Dodgers game we attended was this year or 2007.  But we did go to one of our nephew’s soccer games.

12. What concerts/shows did you go to?
None.  We thought about Kids in the Hall, but ended up not doing it.

13. Describe your birthday.
It sucked, even more than usual. I have a talent.

14. What is the ONE thing you thought you would not do, but did, in 2008?
A few things. One was making it to my family reunion. Pulled it together at the last minute and it was great.

15. What have been your favorite moments?
Reconnecting with old friends and family members, and having the most awesome car and almost winning the Lemons race in May.

16. Any new additions to your family?
Nope.

17. What was your best month?
December, I suppose.  I got off work a lot, found out I got A’s in my two classes, really started feeling good about myself and got to see a ton of old friends.

18. Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Kyle, I suppose.  I rarely drink.

19. Made new friends?
A few.

20. Favorite night out?
Halloween.

21. Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Work.  I’m a homebody.

22. Have you lost any friends this year?
One or two, but for the best.

23. Change your hairstyle?
Yes, a few times.

24. Have any car accidents?
Nope

25. How old did you turn this year?
29.  Worst feeling age yet.

26. Do you have a New Years resolution?
Not really. 

27. Do anything embarrassing?
Of course.

28. Buy anything from eBay?
Hmm.  That used to be a given “yes”, and I have the feeling I did, but I’m not sure.

29. Get married or divorced?
Nope.

30. Get hit on?
A few times.

31. Been snowboarding?
Nope.

32. Did you get sick this year?
More than I have in awhile, actually.

33. Are you happy to see 2008 go?
Yes, I am.

34. Been naughty or nice?
Yes.

35. What are you looking forward to most in 2009?
Trying to get more A’s in my classes, and trying to make turning/being 30 not suck.