Child Free Hilarity January 16, 2009

On the knitting and crochet website Ravelry.com that I am a part of, they have a weekly newsletter which also contains an advice column entitled “Ask Auntie BubboPants”.  This is another member of the site, that answers serious and not so serious questions put to her by her fellow fiber loving goers, and very often leaves me in a fit of giggles.  

 

The following was one of this weeks entries, and it had my non-child wanting self almost in tears from laughter.  I know that most of the population does NOT feel this way about children, which is good, because we’d all die out in 80 or so years.  But I hope you can at least appreciate the ridiculousness and humor of her answer.

 

“Dear Auntie BubboPants,

Please tell my uterus it really doesn’t want babies as much as it thinks it does. I am still in college and unmarried (though in a long-term relationship). Obviously some of this longing comes with certain times of the month, but lately seeing pregnant women makes me pout. My brain does not want a baby. I’m not ready and could not handle it at all at this point in my life. But somehow my biological clock decided to start ticking about five or more years before most people’s.

So please, tell my uterus to knock it off. It only has to wait a few more years! And surely by then my friends will have started having babies to appease the squishing and cuddling without the hassle of keeping a baby of one’s own.

Signed,
Must. Have. Babies.

Dear MHB,

You know what’s awesome? sweet little brand new babies! they are so warm and they smell so good! You could get high just smelling a new baby…well, actually science has discovered that mom-brains release endorphins whenever they smell their babies. Makes the babies addictive to the mother, helps keep babies safe and comfortable and well fed you know.

yeah, new babies with their little bellies and their snorgley feet and ALL THAT DAMNED SCREAMING!!! ALL THE TIME!!!

Oh yes, all the time! Screaming and wanting to be fed and not giving a good god damn that you have a final in the morning or that you have the evilest professor on the planet! NO! Babies are all GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!!! RIGHT NOW!! and you give and give and they take and take! and things get a little better when they hit preschool and elementary school!

But oh! That lasts for only a few seconds! Then it’s GIMME THE CAR KEYS AND GIMME MY ALLOWANCE AND GIMME PERMISSION TO DATE ZEBON THE SPITTLE MONKEY FROM THE WORKHOUSE!!!

And lets not forget braces, their innate ability to scream profanities in the produce section the second your back is turned, broken arms, poop in the bathtub, peas in the nose, forgotten permission slips, missed buses, a serious dislike for your cooking, chewing holes in their brand new shirt that grandma got them, farting, hamsters in the goldfish bowl, beating up the ugly kid, stealing cars, slumber parties, dishcloths down the toilet, begging for a pool or dog or hippo or better shoes or sugar cereal!

And then they turn 18 and you think it’s all good! But no! It’s laundry and tuition and poor decision making skills and “i know I’m in college but I want to have a baby!” and terrible marriages and in the end do you know what you get? You get to spend your retirement in a basement staring at a water heater and fighting the centipedes because they are too busy to take care of you!!!

OH! AND HAVING TO WATCH DRAGON TALES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU ARE SURE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO THE DRAGON LAND AND KICK EVERY WEENUS DRAGON IN THEIR SOFT INEFFECTUAL DRAGON GUT UNTIL MAGICAL DRAGON LAND GOES DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE UNIVERSAL SINGULARITY FOR PAIN!!!

So yeah, go ahead and have a baby. Or you could just pound a crab up your nose for 18 years, it’s about the same feeling.”