It all started back in August.  Hard to believe now, but it really was August.  It was innocent enough.  Our Lemons race team had just come off another great race, where we finished in the top 5.  We were all, and I mean ALL, including 4 guys, dressed as French maids that time round, accompanying a Molly Maid car.  All was right with the racing world.

New race, so obviously, new theme. What to choose, what to choose.  There was scattered talk of us possibly even being followed by a documentary crew, so we needed something that fit these criteria:

• showy costumes
• flashy car
• warm enough for NorCal in late November

and most importantly

• enough characters for four men and four women

Perhaps that doesn’t sound that daunting.  Believe me, it is.  We’ve already been pimps and hos, where we naively realized that T&A helps make you popular at an event mostly attended by men.  A team of eight Elvi in Reno with a pink “Caddy” was gaudy enough to win the race. And now French maids that alternately turned on and mentally scarred the other male participants in turns. So how do you top all that?

It came to us, I’m not even sure how, on the same day, but in separate locations.  I emailed my husband, a driver on the team, a simple message: “What about classic Batman?”

His reply: “I thought of that too!”

We carefully crafted our email to the rest of the team, regaling them with the wonders and delights the Batmobile possessed, the plethora of characters from which to choose, the campy nature, and by god, the tights!

Amazingly, all eight people agreed it could work!  And trying to get eight people to agree on one thing is amazement indeed.  We were off.

I should have seen the warning signs when it took everyone a month to just agree on their character.  Little did I know what other things would suddenly take two, three, four times longer than expected.  *Dum, Dum, DUUUUMMM*

Short conversation with my husband while watching grown men beat each other to a pulp in Fight Club over the weekend:

Me: “I just don’t get men.”

Kyle: “And I don’t expect you to, dear.”

So obviously blogging hasn’t exactly been a priority this year. I think I’ve had about 10 entries in the last 12 months. The whole reason I even started this thing (the 101 in 1001 list) has been thrown out the window.

I’ve thought about writing now and then, maybe even signed on to do so, and in my typical fashion, didn’t, assuming some other day would suffice. That day is today. But mostly because I’m too tired to sew, and too awake to sleep.

The start of 2008, as documented by one of my few posts below, was hopeful, and looking quite good. I think the ensuing months is what cements myself as an eternal pessimist. When you think everything will go wrong, and don’t really expect good things, you’re always pleasantly surprised when they pop up.

Enough of foreshadowing. Here’s a quick run down of my bell curve of a year so far. I’m penning it in list form, because I’m lazy. That much hasn’t changed.

The first part of the year (aka, the highlights):

1. Had an awesome birthday, which was totally unexpected, considering the number being “celebrated”, and my slew of birthday disasters from years past. Disneyland,  asurprise party and lots of cake was involved, so how can one lose?

2. I continued to get straight As in all my classes.

3. I survived starting up “real” classes on campus, and even made friends the very first day, almost like I was a normal person or something.

4. Our race team went to a Lemons race in Reno, where we dressed up in our hand decorated Elvis jumpsuits and wigs (our most awesome outfits at that time) and finally freakin’ won it! It only took 7 tries. Felt AWESOME, even if I was just decoration for the team.

5. Continued to make straight As in my classes. (I still astonished at this, so I figure I can include it more than once, for each quarter I completed.) I enjoyed this especially, because I was finally able to come to a tenuous peace with myself for having so royally botched my previous go round with higher learning. Realizing it dealt more with personal circumstances, rather than personal defects was quite freeing.

6. My husband was also doing very well in his MBA classes, and his company was paying for all the tuition.

That’s roughly where the highlights end, and the lowlights kick in:

1. In April, my husband’s company decides, in its infinite wisdom, that they will revoke an incentive they’ve had for 30 or so years, and no longer pay for tuition for anyone but those in the executive programs, not even allowing the employees currently enrolled to finish their degrees. So, after a year of a hell of a lot of hard work, Kyle had to drop out, because suddenly having to come up with $30,000 turned out to be rather difficult.

2. In his fit of disgust with said employer, Kyle also realizes that adjusted for inflation, he is making $3000 less a year than when he started almost 5 years ago. This was alright when he was getting $15,000 extra a year for tuition. 

3. My dad becomes ill again, very seriously, and spends most of May in the hospital. It’s even worse, because I can’t be there with him or my mom to aid in any way, which is a horrible, completely helpless feeling. Luckily he had some surgery, and is doing much better now.

4. In June, the handyman that works for my landlady (who lives upstairs) bumps into Kyle’s motorcycle, knocking it into his car while trimming a tree, and leaving a large dent and scratch right down the hood.  He proceeds to not inform Kyle that he did so, even though Kyle is going in and out the apartment while he grills hotdogs. Kyle figured out what happened a few days later, and had to confront the handyman (named, I can’t help but chuckle, Jesus) who first tries to deny it, and finally admits it. We will spend the next 2 1/2 months hearing him continually promise to get Kyle money to fix it “next week”, our landlady tell us lies about how the bike is unsafe because now she bumped into it and it started falling over but she managed to keep it upright (even though Kyle can’t keep it from falling over, and he’s got about 60 lbs and a lot of muscle on her), how Jesus shouldn’t have to pay because the bike has flat tires, and that makes it more unstable than if the tires had been inflated (um, perhaps a remedial science class covering surface area is in order), all of which finally ends in a fun little episode in our living room, where Jesus tries to insist he did tell Kyle he knocked the bike over, and we get gypped out of $50 because he “lost” the quote we gave him, and we forgot to make a copy. From that first day forward, I hate going outside my apartment, because I just want to avoid the both of them, they make me so angry. Whew.

5. Over the course of a month, we ended up having to spend a ton (and I mean a ton) of money to keep two of our three pets healthy. For once, Mabel was the one not giving us problems.

 5. On July 9, I got laid off. Probably don’t need to provide too much else on that one.

6. Because I got laid off, no part of my tuition was covered any more, and with my only income now coming from unemployment, I had to make the very difficult decision to quit school. I most likely won’t try for interior design again.  I think it not working out on four different occasions might be a bit of a sign.

 After losing my job, and Kyle basically loathing working for his asshat of a company, we realized that we aren’t going to make it very far out here, and we can leave. This is both good and bad. Bad because we had hopes when we both started school that we were finally on the path to gaining some sort of financial security, and we might be able to make it out here, where the cost of living is so freaking high. Good because we could move to a place where it was much cheaper to live, and start thinking about buying a house, going on vacations, being able to replace Kyle’s sad dress shoes.  And, try to move closer to family, especially so I could be there if either of my parents became ill and needed help again.

So, we’re looking to move back to the midwest. We’re focusing mostly on the Louisville area, to be near my parents, but also including Indy, Cincy, and maybe St. Louis. I’ve ruled out Chicago because I don’t know if I can deal with all the lake effect weather.  So we’ll see.  It’ll probably end up being much more dependant on where Kyle manages to find a job. I’m not even sure what occupation to look for. If I stick with admin, which I despise, there’s no way someone’s going to hire a person living 2000+ miles away, so we’re focusing on Kyle for the moment.

I’m tired now, so I leave this as the general run down of the last 9 months. I determined to keep writing here again, so I’ll leave my sentiment about leaving LA for small town midwest, new Lemons racing updates, and the glorious adventures of my cats and dog for another sleepless night.

I haven’t blogged since March 11th.  That sure is a long time.

I just read that 16 year old Miley Cyrus has recently put out a memoir.

Really?  REALLY?!?

I think my head just exploded.

Because my husband has been pestering me for at least 2 and a half weeks, I am finally updating my blog.

I turned 30.  I did not die.  I cried during the last hour of my 20’s, but then I was fine. It was actually a lot of fun.  I went to Disneyland with a friend, and even got in free.  They give you a pin with your name on it, stating it’s your birthday, and I must admit, I liked it when all the “cast members” we passed would call out “Happy Birthday Katherine!”  I’m sure it’s drilled into them that they will be punished by death if they do not do this, but I liked it all the same.  I’m still a bit of an attention whore. I also rode Space Mountian 3 times; one for each decade I’ve been alive.

I’m in my second quarter of the interior design program at UCLA.  I got As in my two previous classes, which made me feel much better wbout this whole idea.  I also finally met with the advisor in January to talk with her about advanced standing.  Turns out 12 of me previous IU classes transfered, and the program will take a full 2 quarters less than I thought, for a total of 2 1/2 years. So far my two new classes are going well too.

I’ve noticed the my new offices lobby plays very odd choices in Muzak.  I’ve heard everything from Take Five, Live and Let Die, When You Wish Upon a Star, and the worst, Penny Lane.  I hate hearing Beatles in Muzak.  It’s even worse when it’s one of the few songs I don’t have yet on CD or mp3, so am unable to wash such sacrilege from my eardrums when I get home.

There, husband of mine, happy now?

I just glanced at the calendar, and realized I will be 30 in under a week.

*panic attack ensues*

On the knitting and crochet website Ravelry.com that I am a part of, they have a weekly newsletter which also contains an advice column entitled “Ask Auntie BubboPants”.  This is another member of the site, that answers serious and not so serious questions put to her by her fellow fiber loving goers, and very often leaves me in a fit of giggles.  

The following was one of this weeks entries, and it had my non-child wanting self almost in tears from laughter.  I know that most of the population does NOT feel this way about children, which is good, because we’d all die out in 80 or so years.  But I hope you can at least appreciate the ridiculousness and humor of her answer.

“Dear Auntie BubboPants,

Please tell my uterus it really doesn’t want babies as much as it thinks it does. I am still in college and unmarried (though in a long-term relationship). Obviously some of this longing comes with certain times of the month, but lately seeing pregnant women makes me pout. My brain does not want a baby. I’m not ready and could not handle it at all at this point in my life. But somehow my biological clock decided to start ticking about five or more years before most people’s.

So please, tell my uterus to knock it off. It only has to wait a few more years! And surely by then my friends will have started having babies to appease the squishing and cuddling without the hassle of keeping a baby of one’s own.

Signed,
Must. Have. Babies.

Dear MHB,

You know what’s awesome? sweet little brand new babies! they are so warm and they smell so good! You could get high just smelling a new baby…well, actually science has discovered that mom-brains release endorphins whenever they smell their babies. Makes the babies addictive to the mother, helps keep babies safe and comfortable and well fed you know.

yeah, new babies with their little bellies and their snorgley feet and ALL THAT DAMNED SCREAMING!!! ALL THE TIME!!!

Oh yes, all the time! Screaming and wanting to be fed and not giving a good god damn that you have a final in the morning or that you have the evilest professor on the planet! NO! Babies are all GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!!! RIGHT NOW!! and you give and give and they take and take! and things get a little better when they hit preschool and elementary school!

But oh! That lasts for only a few seconds! Then it’s GIMME THE CAR KEYS AND GIMME MY ALLOWANCE AND GIMME PERMISSION TO DATE ZEBON THE SPITTLE MONKEY FROM THE WORKHOUSE!!!

And lets not forget braces, their innate ability to scream profanities in the produce section the second your back is turned, broken arms, poop in the bathtub, peas in the nose, forgotten permission slips, missed buses, a serious dislike for your cooking, chewing holes in their brand new shirt that grandma got them, farting, hamsters in the goldfish bowl, beating up the ugly kid, stealing cars, slumber parties, dishcloths down the toilet, begging for a pool or dog or hippo or better shoes or sugar cereal!

And then they turn 18 and you think it’s all good! But no! It’s laundry and tuition and poor decision making skills and “i know I’m in college but I want to have a baby!” and terrible marriages and in the end do you know what you get? You get to spend your retirement in a basement staring at a water heater and fighting the centipedes because they are too busy to take care of you!!!

OH! AND HAVING TO WATCH DRAGON TALES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU ARE SURE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO THE DRAGON LAND AND KICK EVERY WEENUS DRAGON IN THEIR SOFT INEFFECTUAL DRAGON GUT UNTIL MAGICAL DRAGON LAND GOES DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE UNIVERSAL SINGULARITY FOR PAIN!!!

So yeah, go ahead and have a baby. Or you could just pound a crab up your nose for 18 years, it’s about the same feeling.”

Things that have been rubbing on my nerves lately:

• When you come to a four way stop, or are at a crosswalk, and you have the right away, and the other person waves you on like they’re doing you a favor.  I have the right of way!  The car in front of you just drove off!  There’s a little white man in a box telling me I can go! Thank you SO MUCH for giving me your personal condesenction to continue on my way, as you almost hit me in the process!
• When I’m driving down the city street towards home, and people in parked cars fling open their doors without even looking, causing me to go swerving crazily into the other lane, barely missing ripping off their car door/lower legs from their bodies.  Is it really that hard to use your mirrors and wait until I’ve passed?!?
• Why do so many people in y office have the incessant need to knock on the metal cabinet near the bathroom every time they pass by?  There are quite a few of us that sit nearby and have to hear it. Every. Single. Time.  What compels people to do this?
• When there is a lunch meeting at work, it never fails that at least one or two people will flat out refuse to throw away their plate or soda can, and just leave them sitting on the table  for me to clean up.  Really? REALLY?  34 other people can clean up after themselves, but YOU can’t be bothered?
• That even though I have sent numerous emails, stalked her office, and even gotten two verbal confirmations from her face to face, my boss seems completely unwilling to sit down with me for five minutes to discuss some things on which I really need clarification.  I’ve been trying for a week, and every email is totally ignored, and she is always either talking with someone already, or not in her office.  It wouldn’t be too bad, I suppose, if I hadn’t had this problem multiple times before. Way to make me feel like a valued member of the team!
• My littlest cat have no idea how to vomit properly.  I have never witnessed her get sick ever, but when I heard heaving yesterday, I looked over and it was her. She apparently had no idea what was going on and was freaking out.  As she heaved and little dribbles came out, she spun in circles backward, which meant those dribbles went with her, onto the carpet.  When the final big heave did happen, it actually scared her so badly that she leapt to run away from, um, herself, I guess, and therefore left a large streak across the carpet that would have otherwise been a decently small circle of cat yuck for me to clean.

Thus ends my rant.  I apologize.

Does NOT mean you have taste.

I have been helping some guy friends decorate and furnish their home they are trying to sell in hopes of making it look a bit more enticing to buyers.  They mostly had an amalgamation of college apartment type pieces, so we have been searching the internet for deals on some furniture that IKEA could not cover for us.

In the process of these searches, I have happened upon some of the most hideous items I may have seen in my life.  And they all were created by Versace, and cost as much as a decent car.

Case in point…

These items were listed with this description:

“Gorgeous original Italian Gianni Versace 3 piece Couch set with coffee table. This 3 piece couch set and table was bought at the Versace store in Beverly Hills in 1994. The cost was over $25k just for the couches…”

As Kyle, myself, and my friend noticed, if they spent $25,000 on these monstrosities, I wonder how much they sprang for that classy Foosball table in the background.

This one is not quite as offensive to eyes, I suppose (and that isn’t saying much), but I think you may be able to see it as a shining orb from space:

This is $4000, and only includes the bedding.  And seriously, you really do HAVE to get the matching rug.

With this example, I haven’t really decided what the biggest atrocity to design  has been committed.  There are just too many from which to choose:

I think my vote may have to be the mix of egregious safari references, mixed with the random ancient Grecian key design.  They have no correlation to each other, and make little explosions of incomprehension happen in my brain. 

If you wanted a safari theme this badly, couldn’t you do everyone a favor and just buy a few animal print pillows and call it a day?  If the answer is no, then this set could be yours for the bargain price of $6000, or best offer.  I think the best offer I could make is for them to pay me to take it somewhere and burn it in effigy.

And lastly, and also sadly, the last entry does not have accompanying pictures. But oh how I wish it did, with a description like this:

“24 K GOLD VERSACE DINING ROOM SET. EVERYONE WILL BE IN AWE OF YOU OWNING THIS MASTERPIECE. LIKE VAN GOUGH. WAYNE NEWTON HAS THIS EXACT SAME SET THAT IS VALUED AT : $ 2.0 MILLION DOLLARS. ** Seen on TV- Celebrities Most Expensive Estates/Pads- Hosted by : Kimora Lee Simmons ** TABLE IS 24 K GOLD AND CHERRY WOOD. COMES WITH 6 CHAIRS. I’M GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. BEST OFFER CALL”

It has been listed every day for the last 8 days, but never with pictures.  God, how I want to see this set.  If you’re touting it’s also owned by Wayne Newton, I can only imagine the horror.